The Discomfort of Vulnerability
My first moment of truly understanding how vulnerability made me a better leader was shortly after returning from maternity leave. A wise, working-mom told me: “You will ruthlessly prioritize your day, in order to get everything done, and get home in time to be with your baby.” Going home to see my infant son was the highlight of the day, but it left me with little time for the impromptu coffee-break chats, catch-ups, and check-ins with my team.
Feeling guilty about that one day, I apologized to one of my team leaders, “I am sorry. I feel like I don’t have as much time for the team as I used to.” He smiled and with a full heart said, “Cigdem, make no mistake. We LOVE Cigdem-as-a-mom!” He went on to share the new ways in which he and others on the team felt that they knew me better, that I showed and expressed my heart to them, and that the work we were accomplishing together had renewed meaning. I still feel the deep impact of having my vulnerability be met with support, belonging, and appreciation.
For much of our early careers, my generation was taught to “armor-up” and be invulnerable - invulnerable to lack of sleep, to workloads, to foregoing personal time, and to revealing too much about our personal lives. It generally wasn’t done - particularly for women in male-dominant careers.
And then in 2010, Brene Brown gave what would become a viral TedTalk about vulnerability. Brene Brown Vulnerability More recently, vulnerability and empathy have become the latest buzzwords of leadership posts. So, I watched her talk again, to get back to the original insight she shared. There were four characteristics she identified that wholehearted people have:
Courage to be imperfect - to tell your story from your heart
Compassion to be kind to ourselves and others - to accept mistakes in context, and avoiding "catastrophizing"
Connection to others as a result of authenticity - be who you are, not who you think you should be
Fully embracing vulnerability - let ourselves be seen, without any guarantees
My son is now in high school, and I have had numerous occasions to think back to that conversation 15 years ago, as I’ve navigated leadership development for myself and for clients. My colleague gave me a gift, allowing me to take up a journey of embracing imperfection with compassion, and connecting with others with truth and clarity — I am forever grateful for his empathy and support in that moment!
When have you experienced authentic vulnerability as a leader? How was it received? What impact did it have on you and those around you?